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While I'm on my posting hot streak, I might as well update my intro post with more current information. Will pin this if I can figure out how.
I go by Prax online, which is technically short for Praxidike because I stole it from a character on The Expanse. Google says it's supposed to be pronounced "prahx-ih-DEE-kee", but in my head I say it "prax(rhymes with fax)-ih-DEEK" because who's gonna stop me? Cops can't arrest my brain. It's a lawless land. Couldn't even fit handcuffs on it. ... Anyway. :| My gender is [vague hand motions] and is maybe a little bit in crisis at the moment, but IRL I am perceived as [Ferengi voice] feeemale which I figure is relevant. He/she/they pronouns are all great, as are a mixture of masculine and feminine terms, and honestly I like it best when people mix it up, but feel free to default to a single one as I know that can get confusing. I guess I have a modest preference for masc and neutral, but that's more because I get she/her'd exclusively IRL so it's not like any of these are misgendering.
I'm a 26yo educator at a childcare center, where I work with infants through preschool age. It's pretty great, even if the pay sucks. I'm a soft college dropout who will, inshallah, someday graduate with a degree in criminology and legal studies, which will hopefully allow me to make more than $9/hr.
When I'm not working, I have a lot of artistic hobbies that I enjoy. I love DIY projects, painting, drawing, reading, writing, graphic design, curbing impulse purchases, and collecting weird tchotchkes at thrift stores to confuse and terrify my friends and family. I've published two video games, Annual Haunting and The Question, both of which can be played for free by clicking the links. ... Also, Clown Rat Egg Hunt. I guess.
I've been a part of fandom spaces since around 2006 and it's been a big part of my life ever since then. My fandoms tend to change around a lot; my old post had a section here listing my "current" fandoms, but it changes so often and is so dependent on what shows are currently airing that it becomes out of date incredibly fast. I like a lot of sci-fi, a handful of fantasy, and a whole lot of limited run drama series about terrible people. I'll probably make a broader list of fandoms and ships that I like later, because who doesn't love talking about themselves.
I'm sure I'll think of a dozen things that belong in this post after I publish it, but I think I've covered the basics in way more detail than anybody needed. And of course, if you're curious about anything, you can always ask. Ta!
Tales from the Toybox: Quotables
Jul. 13th, 2021 11:03 amI was going to wait until I had more of these to post all at once, but eh, fuck it. Gives me more incentive to post frequently. This subtype of posts is going to be quotes and short scenes from work, because damn if these kids aren't funny as hell.
~Dramatis Personae~
Me: Miss [redacted], teacher, twenty-six
Girl: Sassy lil' thing, threes group, three
Context: our toddler rooms are all named after the seasons. We divide our older preschoolers from our threes group in a technical sense, but because we're short-staffed those two groups are generally together and often referred to as a whole as "preschool".
Me: [counting how many kids we have in the room out loud]
Girl, currently sitting in my lap: Hey, why did you say "summer" to me? I'm in preschool-- in threes!
Me: Oh, I said "seven".
Girl: [bemused] I'm not seven, I'm three! >:I
Me: I know you're three, honey. I was just counting how many kids there are in our room.
Girl: [plaintively, more emotional] But I'm not seven, I'm three!
Me: [trying not to laugh] I know, you were just the seventh kid I counted--
Girl: [distressed and confused] But I'm not seven, I'm three!! :(
Me: [cracking up] ... Okay.
~Dramatis Personae~
Me: Miss [redacted], teacher, twenty-six
Girl: Sassy lil' thing, threes group, three
Context: our toddler rooms are all named after the seasons. We divide our older preschoolers from our threes group in a technical sense, but because we're short-staffed those two groups are generally together and often referred to as a whole as "preschool".
Me: [counting how many kids we have in the room out loud]
Girl, currently sitting in my lap: Hey, why did you say "summer" to me? I'm in preschool-- in threes!
Me: Oh, I said "seven".
Girl: [bemused] I'm not seven, I'm three! >:I
Me: I know you're three, honey. I was just counting how many kids there are in our room.
Girl: [plaintively, more emotional] But I'm not seven, I'm three!
Me: [trying not to laugh] I know, you were just the seventh kid I counted--
Girl: [distressed and confused] But I'm not seven, I'm three!! :(
Me: [cracking up] ... Okay.
Tales from the Toybox: An Introduction
Jul. 12th, 2021 09:51 amSo, I know I said I wasn't going to do any catch-up posting, but this tidbit is necessary context: I have been working at a childcare facility as a teacher for the past four months. This has kind of taken over my life. I'm pretty sure my family is sick of me making so many jokes referencing specific kids they've never met, and saying, "Oh, this reminds me of the cute thing so-and-so did..." So what better place to post about it than my journal? I've actually written a few drafts of posts for this series, and I've been writing down funny things the kids say. This is probably going to be interesting to an even nicher group within the readers of this journal, but it's not really FOR anyone else as much as it is for me. Other people reading and potentially enjoying it will just be a pleasant side effect.
A return to form (and academic anxieties)
Jul. 12th, 2021 09:34 amHello, Dreamwidth! I've been thinking about coming back lately and now that I've sent Max my journal name and publicly endorsed old-school journalposting, I really should, you know, post something.
I think I've been put off a little because I felt like I had to make some kind of catch-up post, like "here's everything that's happened in the year-and-a-half since I last posted", but if that's only making me hesitant to come back, why should I bother? Everyone who might read this knows what I've been up to, and if the prospect of a catch-up post isn't something that interests me, it has no utility. So I'm going to just jump in and talk about the thing currently giving me the anxious jitters.
I just sent off an e-mail to my old university requesting help with re-enrollment. I essentially said, "hey, I was dropped last year because I failed a class while on acprob, I started the appeal process for that decision but it was overwhelming and confusing so I let it fall by the wayside, and now I'm confused about where to go next. Help?" Over the past few years I have dealt a fair bit with bureaucracy, and it has taught me that explicitly telling the person you're talking to that you are confused and don't know what to do is often a very effective strategy if you're floundering. My past strategy of "go it alone because administration won't help you, get confused and overwhelmed, drop it, get so stressed about not doing anything / pressured by Mom that you have to start over, rinse and repeat" has worked exactly zero times so why not try a different tactic?
Mom keeps telling me I can contact "Sarah", her coworker who helped me with re-enrollment the last time I started taking classes again, but I've been hesitant out of the fear that it will get back to Mom that I was straight up dismissed from the university. Which she doesn't know, because of course I didn't tell her. I never tell her these things. I would really like to get Sarah's help! She was great the last time I worked with her! And like, objectively I know that it would be unethical at minimum and probably a major violation of policy for Sarah to tell my mom anything, but I also don't know exactly what the standards are on her campus, you know? They've been coworkers for years, maybe even decades depending on how long Sarah's been there. Or maybe something would just slip out. ... And I don't want her to look at me like I'm stupid. We don't even have a personal relationship but the idea is still weirdly upsetting to me, lol. School is such a miserably anxiety-inducing topic for me at this point that I don't think I'm capable of looking at the situation rationally anymore. I have Sarah as a last-resort backup, but hopefully I won't have to use her.
The important thing is, I sent the e-mail. For real this time, I didn't just lie about doing it to get Mom off my back. So inshallah this will all go well.
I think I've been put off a little because I felt like I had to make some kind of catch-up post, like "here's everything that's happened in the year-and-a-half since I last posted", but if that's only making me hesitant to come back, why should I bother? Everyone who might read this knows what I've been up to, and if the prospect of a catch-up post isn't something that interests me, it has no utility. So I'm going to just jump in and talk about the thing currently giving me the anxious jitters.
I just sent off an e-mail to my old university requesting help with re-enrollment. I essentially said, "hey, I was dropped last year because I failed a class while on acprob, I started the appeal process for that decision but it was overwhelming and confusing so I let it fall by the wayside, and now I'm confused about where to go next. Help?" Over the past few years I have dealt a fair bit with bureaucracy, and it has taught me that explicitly telling the person you're talking to that you are confused and don't know what to do is often a very effective strategy if you're floundering. My past strategy of "go it alone because administration won't help you, get confused and overwhelmed, drop it, get so stressed about not doing anything / pressured by Mom that you have to start over, rinse and repeat" has worked exactly zero times so why not try a different tactic?
Mom keeps telling me I can contact "Sarah", her coworker who helped me with re-enrollment the last time I started taking classes again, but I've been hesitant out of the fear that it will get back to Mom that I was straight up dismissed from the university. Which she doesn't know, because of course I didn't tell her. I never tell her these things. I would really like to get Sarah's help! She was great the last time I worked with her! And like, objectively I know that it would be unethical at minimum and probably a major violation of policy for Sarah to tell my mom anything, but I also don't know exactly what the standards are on her campus, you know? They've been coworkers for years, maybe even decades depending on how long Sarah's been there. Or maybe something would just slip out. ... And I don't want her to look at me like I'm stupid. We don't even have a personal relationship but the idea is still weirdly upsetting to me, lol. School is such a miserably anxiety-inducing topic for me at this point that I don't think I'm capable of looking at the situation rationally anymore. I have Sarah as a last-resort backup, but hopefully I won't have to use her.
The important thing is, I sent the e-mail. For real this time, I didn't just lie about doing it to get Mom off my back. So inshallah this will all go well.
I love short fiction. I find the older I get - not to make myself sound faux-world-weary, I’m only twenty-five - the more I appreciate it. There’s probably an uncharitable angle about my dwindling attention span, but I prefer to think that my taste is refining.
One of my favorite things about short fiction is that it forces the writer - if they’re good, that is - to streamline the introductory part of a story, which can really drag on in the hands of a long-winded or over-enthusiastic writer. It also allows writers to experiment with stylistic or narrative elements that might not work in long form. And, on a more subjective note, there’s something fundamentally satisfying about plowing through a dozen or so short stories in a row. It’s like rapidly tossing pieces of popcorn into your mouth.
This is a pretty narrow cut, genre-wise. These are all horror stories, and all can be found on the web-page of Nightmare Magazine, a monthly horror-fantasy anthology.
Many of these stories rely heavily on suspense, so I’ve chosen to avoid spoilers where I can, but if you want to go in totally blind, I’ve linked the stories individually below, with my reviews further down. I’ll also provide some content warnings down at the bottom of the page: violence targeted at children, rape or sexual violence, paranoia triggers like surveillance, and highly graphic gore beyond the “baseline” level you’ll see in other stories. That being said, these are horror stories, so please read with caution if you are sensitive to violence or other common horror elements.
( Read more... )
One of my favorite things about short fiction is that it forces the writer - if they’re good, that is - to streamline the introductory part of a story, which can really drag on in the hands of a long-winded or over-enthusiastic writer. It also allows writers to experiment with stylistic or narrative elements that might not work in long form. And, on a more subjective note, there’s something fundamentally satisfying about plowing through a dozen or so short stories in a row. It’s like rapidly tossing pieces of popcorn into your mouth.
This is a pretty narrow cut, genre-wise. These are all horror stories, and all can be found on the web-page of Nightmare Magazine, a monthly horror-fantasy anthology.
Many of these stories rely heavily on suspense, so I’ve chosen to avoid spoilers where I can, but if you want to go in totally blind, I’ve linked the stories individually below, with my reviews further down. I’ll also provide some content warnings down at the bottom of the page: violence targeted at children, rape or sexual violence, paranoia triggers like surveillance, and highly graphic gore beyond the “baseline” level you’ll see in other stories. That being said, these are horror stories, so please read with caution if you are sensitive to violence or other common horror elements.
( Read more... )
Emotional accountability
Jan. 17th, 2020 01:43 pmSomething I've been trying to work on lately is personal accountability. Specifically, not distancing myself from my own actions.
Here's the example that gave me the idea for this post: I was writing a quick post on tumblr about how I'm futzing around online instead of working on my costume for Katsucon. My impulse was to write that I had done a very minor part of the project, and then my brain had decided that I had earned a break. But it wasn't "my brain" as a separate entity from whatever part of myself I consider to be "me". It was me! Even if I don't understand my internal reasoning, I'm the one who decided that cutting out the template was sufficient cause to stop working and hop on my computer. This is obviously a minor example. You could even make the argument that it's a comedy technique, framing myself in opposition to my brain for the purpose of a joke post. And, for the most part, I agree. But it's not really about the language as much as it's about what that language use says about how I perceive myself.
I don't want to see my brain as an outside force I have to fight with anymore. It me. The things I like about my personality are in there, and so are my flaws. So is my mental illness. Even if the image of anxiety as a nasty little demon that sits on my shoulder and spews worst-case scenarios into my ear is a helpful rhetorical example, I don't know if it's the best way for me to process my anxiety anymore. I'm trying to think of my idiosyncrasies and flaws and symptoms as factors that influence my behavior, rather than invisible puppet-masters that make me do things. I think that for a while, that was a more helpful way for me to think about my mental health, because I was having so many intense struggles that were directly caused by my mental health, and it was scaring the shit out of me because even though I knew rationally that I was sinking deeper down, I felt like I was powerless against The Bad Brain to do anything. Plus, I was fucking up so badly, and people were so mad at me, that it was easier to separate the part of me that I felt they were really mad at from the part of me that cared about what they were saying. That way, maybe I could figure out how to utterly excise that part of myself someday and become instantly better and normal without having to do any of that lifelong self-improvement bullshit or whatever. Well, turns out it doesn't work like that. I think I was letting that mindset become a way to avoid holding myself emotionally accountable for the dumb shit I was doing.
Now that I've written this all out, it seems pretty silly. I think I might have gotten lost in the flow a little bit, so there is a very real possibility that some chunks in that middle paragraph don't totally make sense. But hey, it made me feel better to write it out, so I'm happy with that for now.
And happy new year! I'm not making any monthly entry promises, because life is getting crazy again, but I'll try to write more often!
Here's the example that gave me the idea for this post: I was writing a quick post on tumblr about how I'm futzing around online instead of working on my costume for Katsucon. My impulse was to write that I had done a very minor part of the project, and then my brain had decided that I had earned a break. But it wasn't "my brain" as a separate entity from whatever part of myself I consider to be "me". It was me! Even if I don't understand my internal reasoning, I'm the one who decided that cutting out the template was sufficient cause to stop working and hop on my computer. This is obviously a minor example. You could even make the argument that it's a comedy technique, framing myself in opposition to my brain for the purpose of a joke post. And, for the most part, I agree. But it's not really about the language as much as it's about what that language use says about how I perceive myself.
I don't want to see my brain as an outside force I have to fight with anymore. It
Now that I've written this all out, it seems pretty silly. I think I might have gotten lost in the flow a little bit, so there is a very real possibility that some chunks in that middle paragraph don't totally make sense. But hey, it made me feel better to write it out, so I'm happy with that for now.
And happy new year! I'm not making any monthly entry promises, because life is getting crazy again, but I'll try to write more often!
Overgrown Weird Kids
Aug. 23rd, 2019 06:25 pmI take a fair bit of pride, and deservedly so I think, in the efforts I've made towards being able to communicate better with others. Having a developmental disability that went undiagnosed until the end of high school was really fun and sexy for a lot of reasons, but particularly in this regard. Not only did my brain work differently from other people, as near as I could figure, but many of the differences were so fundamental, so structural, that I couldn't even figure out how to explain the differences at all. So a lot of my childhood was defined by miscommunications. Not major miscommunications, but so many of my memories from elementary school include some level of confusion - about what I was supposed to be doing, about what somebody else was doing, about what other people were saying or thinking or feeling. Luckily, I was also a Weird Kid in a non-pathological sense, so a lot of the time I was able to just brush it off, because what did I care as long as I could think about dinosaurs or something. (Not that I'm really able to detangle my sense of what was Weird Kid and what was Developmentally Disabled Kid, but that is a whole other discussion.)
Anyway. This spiraled in exactly the way I expected it to, so for now I'll cut out the long form explanation of how I finally managed to hack my weirdbrain into submission. (That sounds negative, but it has been a sincerely positive experience, and I've come out of it with a better understanding of others as well as myself. Hooray for self-discovery!) The point is that I have largely done so. I definitely still struggle at times, and in a way my neurotypical cosplay makes it even more embarassing and distressing when my cover slips, but again, that's for another post, and I am very happy with the strides I have made and continue to make.
That being said, one of my persistent issues - and it might even be a result of my improvements in other sectors, which is funny - is figuring out the lines between Pathological and Normal. I think this is a very common issue with other non-neurotypicals, but especially anyone else who finds themselves having to explain their thought processes to friends or family on a regular basis. You find yourself about to explain a feeling or an experience, but wait, surprise minigame: Is This Actually Weird? Is this a result of my mental illness, or not? If so: is it actually a Very Intense Concept that will make other people upset to hear about, even if I consider it fairly banal?* Is it Too Weird or offputting in a way that will make this person uncomfortable or think less of me? Have I found a good way to explain this thing yet? If not: will I look overly self-absorbed for thinking this is a unique experience? Will this person feel patronized? Regardless: how much of a Weirdo will this make me seem like?
You get the idea.
I have to go now, Mom still needs help setting up her scanner. She got another box of her mom's photo albums (my dead grandmother), which might be the topic of my next post. Sorry I didn't really have time to edit this post, it's a little more rambly than I'd usually leave in. Until next time!
* This also applies to trauma, as I learned after trying to tell a story of how I had recently been molested on a bus to some high school friends as a light, funny story. Oops!
Anyway. This spiraled in exactly the way I expected it to, so for now I'll cut out the long form explanation of how I finally managed to hack my weirdbrain into submission. (That sounds negative, but it has been a sincerely positive experience, and I've come out of it with a better understanding of others as well as myself. Hooray for self-discovery!) The point is that I have largely done so. I definitely still struggle at times, and in a way my neurotypical cosplay makes it even more embarassing and distressing when my cover slips, but again, that's for another post, and I am very happy with the strides I have made and continue to make.
That being said, one of my persistent issues - and it might even be a result of my improvements in other sectors, which is funny - is figuring out the lines between Pathological and Normal. I think this is a very common issue with other non-neurotypicals, but especially anyone else who finds themselves having to explain their thought processes to friends or family on a regular basis. You find yourself about to explain a feeling or an experience, but wait, surprise minigame: Is This Actually Weird? Is this a result of my mental illness, or not? If so: is it actually a Very Intense Concept that will make other people upset to hear about, even if I consider it fairly banal?* Is it Too Weird or offputting in a way that will make this person uncomfortable or think less of me? Have I found a good way to explain this thing yet? If not: will I look overly self-absorbed for thinking this is a unique experience? Will this person feel patronized? Regardless: how much of a Weirdo will this make me seem like?
You get the idea.
I have to go now, Mom still needs help setting up her scanner. She got another box of her mom's photo albums (my dead grandmother), which might be the topic of my next post. Sorry I didn't really have time to edit this post, it's a little more rambly than I'd usually leave in. Until next time!
* This also applies to trauma, as I learned after trying to tell a story of how I had recently been molested on a bus to some high school friends as a light, funny story. Oops!
A random memory
Apr. 30th, 2019 10:03 pmI got partway through writing this as a tumblr post, but it got long enough that I figured what the hell, why not make this my monthly Dreamwidth post instead?
I have absolutely no idea what prompted this memory. I haven't thought about this in years, probably since it happened (fall 2015), so a lot of this is just the rough sketches of what happened. I don't think I have the texts saved either, since I've changed phones a few times since then.
So, it was 2015, the beginning of the fall semester, and a new girl had just come to the LGBT student center. I think she was a transfer student, so we were the same age. She had short brown hair, those big round wire-framed glasses, and she was cute as hell. I have never been good at talking to people I think are cute, but this was during the period where I was drinking heavily, and one of the only good things that came out of that was a willingness to talk to new people, drunk or not. She swapped numbers with the other people in the center, including moi, and we ended up texting. This was also somewhat significant for me, since I am super shitty at texting people in general, especially if we've just met. It wasn't, like, a huge deal, and I wasn't head-over-heels by any means, but I was having a lot of fun engaging in a very normal social activity.
At some point within the week, she asked me out. It was unambiguously a date request, not a suggestion that we hang out as friends. I was obviously delighted, and we made casual plans for that weekend. The weekend rolled around, but when I texted her to ask when we should meet up, nothing. Radio silence. I was pretty bummed out, since I spent basically the whole weekend sitting around waiting for her to respond, but I wasn't too fussed. I figured she had been unexpectedly swamped with schoolwork and had totally spaced on our plans. Then Monday rolls around, and when I drop by the center, I find out through the grapevine that she had spent the weekend hanging out with some other people from the center instead. Not gonna lie, it stung. I had this image, which I recognized was irrational but still couldn't shake, that the three of them had spent the entire weekend dumping on me and laughing at my texts. Even the more rational part of my brain felt bad that I had been transparently ditched when a better option appeared. I reread the text, trying to figure out if I had misinterpreted her, but no.
I texted her within a day or so, saying, "Hey, sorry we didn't end up hanging out this weekend - I hope you had fun with so-and-so!" in the hope that I could get the conversation going again and maybe jog her memory about our plans. And, okay, maybe I hoped she would feel a little guilty for ditching me. Or a lot guilty. I'm not above a little pettiness.
She responded with something along the lines of, "Haha yeah, so-and-so is really cool. I really like their face."
Not really the response I was hoping for.
And that was more or less the end of it! I felt really embarrassed and didn't want to seem pushy, so when the semester kicked into gear I didn't bother initiating further conversation. Her major was some hardcore math/science field, as I recall, so she got busy with studying and didn't come to the center often after that either. And I think this was also the semester that kick-started an intense romantic and social drama that lasted literal years, so that tends to overshadow the whole thing in my memory. Also the drinking, as previously mentioned. But man, that really was a strange situation, huh?
The part that still confuses me is that her interest definitely seemed to be primarily or entirely with the other person, so why did she bother asking me out in the first place? She clearly wasn't shy about hanging out with them, and at the time I wasn't even particularly close to the other person, so even if she had been trying to use me as a social conduit to get closer to them, she would have chosen very wrong.
I don't know. This probably seems like a lot of overanalysis for something that happened years ago, but, shockingly, I don't get asked out very often, and when it happens, I am generally not at all interested in the other person, let alone already attracted to them. Like I said, this hasn't been a major trauma point for me or anything, which should be made apparent by the fact that I literally forgot about it for almost four years. I'm not even interested in closure.
It's just weird, is all.
2019 What-I've-Read List
Mar. 17th, 2019 12:11 pmThis concept has been transparently cribbed from Lira and then made slightly worse, but that's fine. (ILU Lira ♡)
I am going to try to keep a record of the original fiction I read this year, so that when I think to myself, "I really ought to read more," I will have something to prove that yes I do actually read things other than fanfiction and internet drama histories. Italics means short story, bold means book. All of the short stories are available to read online, btw - most of them are from Nightmare Magazine but a few are more famous ones that are available elsewhere.
UPDATED: 05/19
( Read more... )
I am going to try to keep a record of the original fiction I read this year, so that when I think to myself, "I really ought to read more," I will have something to prove that yes I do actually read things other than fanfiction and internet drama histories. Italics means short story, bold means book. All of the short stories are available to read online, btw - most of them are from Nightmare Magazine but a few are more famous ones that are available elsewhere.
UPDATED: 05/19
( Read more... )
*deep, deep sigh* Banana Fish. No show with a name like this has any right to get me fucked up the way you did.
MODERATE SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE ANIME SERIES OF BANANA FISH BELOW THE CUT.
also hey what's up doubleposting with what will hopefully be the first of many casual reviews i do here
( Read more... )
MODERATE SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE ANIME SERIES OF BANANA FISH BELOW THE CUT.
also hey what's up doubleposting with what will hopefully be the first of many casual reviews i do here
( Read more... )
Oh goddammit
Mar. 6th, 2019 08:57 pmI really picked a fine time to start exercising. It's been FREEZING here. I did go on a decent walk with Mom yesterday but I didn't do anything today or Monday and it feels like I'm not making a great start on this pseudo-resolution. I have been eating better, at least; Mom bought a big box of spinach on my request and I've gone through half of it so far. Yesterday was Fat Tuesday - which, you know what, deserves its own little sidebar.
So yesterday was Fat Tuesday. For Catholics, this is an important day, I guess, I don't actually know what significance it has religiously. For us, it means Mom buys donuts for breakfast. We're not remotely Catholic. My dad's family is Irish Catholic but he dropped out of that whole scene as a kid, and I don't think my mom was raised religious, so my brother and I were raised atheist, or agnostic or whatever. Why do we celebrate weird atheist Fat Tuesday?? When did we start doing this??? I'm cool with the donuts but ?????
Anyway, I had a little moment of uncertainty over the traditional breakfast donuts, but then I figured, fuck it, I like donuts. Plus, if I try to make a super drastic change in my eating habits, it won't be as sustainable long-term. I can eat like a responsible adult who wants to live past fifty and also eat donuts sometimes, they're not mutually exclusive. I don't really feel any big difference yet, obviously, but I do feel proud of myself. :)
Like I said, though, exercise has been a little weaker. On the one hand, it probably is a good thing that I'm not jumping headlong into a new intense regimen and then burning myself out, but I should probably be doing more. Especially because I work at a fucking gym oh my god. Have I mentioned that before? I work at a fucking gym. And I'm this out of shape. For the past couple days I've been bringing a tank top to work in case I want to change after my shift and exercise, but I haven't been able to psych myself up yet. I guess I feel too embarrassed. It's kind of the double-edged sword of working at a community gym; on the one hand, the members are regular people and not super-buff gym bunnies, but on the other hand I know 80% of the people in there at any given time. At this stage in my metamorphosis, I just want to pant and sweat my way through my embarrassingly mild workout in solitude. Trying to nod my way through a conversation about whatever sport is on the television while simultaneously trying to act like I'm not out of breath after five minutes on a stationary bike is not high on my list of priorities. Plus, what if the person at the desk asks me if I can cover for them "for just a minute" and I reflexively say yes? Then I'm stuck there for an hour and a half, minimum.
Not that I've thought about this a lot or anything.
So yesterday was Fat Tuesday. For Catholics, this is an important day, I guess, I don't actually know what significance it has religiously. For us, it means Mom buys donuts for breakfast. We're not remotely Catholic. My dad's family is Irish Catholic but he dropped out of that whole scene as a kid, and I don't think my mom was raised religious, so my brother and I were raised atheist, or agnostic or whatever. Why do we celebrate weird atheist Fat Tuesday?? When did we start doing this??? I'm cool with the donuts but ?????
Anyway, I had a little moment of uncertainty over the traditional breakfast donuts, but then I figured, fuck it, I like donuts. Plus, if I try to make a super drastic change in my eating habits, it won't be as sustainable long-term. I can eat like a responsible adult who wants to live past fifty and also eat donuts sometimes, they're not mutually exclusive. I don't really feel any big difference yet, obviously, but I do feel proud of myself. :)
Like I said, though, exercise has been a little weaker. On the one hand, it probably is a good thing that I'm not jumping headlong into a new intense regimen and then burning myself out, but I should probably be doing more. Especially because I work at a fucking gym oh my god. Have I mentioned that before? I work at a fucking gym. And I'm this out of shape. For the past couple days I've been bringing a tank top to work in case I want to change after my shift and exercise, but I haven't been able to psych myself up yet. I guess I feel too embarrassed. It's kind of the double-edged sword of working at a community gym; on the one hand, the members are regular people and not super-buff gym bunnies, but on the other hand I know 80% of the people in there at any given time. At this stage in my metamorphosis, I just want to pant and sweat my way through my embarrassingly mild workout in solitude. Trying to nod my way through a conversation about whatever sport is on the television while simultaneously trying to act like I'm not out of breath after five minutes on a stationary bike is not high on my list of priorities. Plus, what if the person at the desk asks me if I can cover for them "for just a minute" and I reflexively say yes? Then I'm stuck there for an hour and a half, minimum.
Not that I've thought about this a lot or anything.
Accountability!
Mar. 4th, 2019 12:33 pmHello Dreamwidth! I'm doing it! No more putting it off! This is the month I finally start getting my shit together!
I actually started yesterday, but I didn't have my shit together quiiite enough to, um, actually write about it. I just opened the tab for this entry and then got stuck in a loop making new icons. But that's okay! I still did the things!
(cw for weight talk, disordered eating habits maybe)
So, as I have mentioned previously, I am in kind of a rut. I have never been an especially health-conscious or physically active person, but the combination of working a sedentary job and living in an area where nothing is within walking distance means I pretty much don't get any kind of regular physical activity. I also eat a lot of junk food under the guise of "treating myself", because a) it's less expensive than buying clothes or books or random trinkets as treats, and b) when I'm depressed I tend to feel like I don't deserve food that tastes good, so I try to combat that mentality. And obviously, no exercise + poor diet = weight gain. And like... I have never been a slender person, but I'm at the point now where I don't feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I won't go into the particulars because that isn't productive, but suffice it to say I'm carrying weight in new places and it makes me feel shitty.
But a few days ago, I finished watching Banana Fish (which deserves its own entry because BOY HOWDY did that show hit me like a freight train, but I'll stay on topic for now), and aside from making me want to curl up in a ball with a bottle of wine and cry for six weeks, it also made me want to get in shape, because that's what always happens when I get emotionally attached to this kind of show*. Normally I make some kind of token effort to lift weights and then discard the whole thing when it gets even marginally inconvenient for me, but this time I really want to stick with it. I'm tired of eating garbage all the time. I'm tired of feeling slow and weak. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I want to do better. I want to feel better. I want to be better.
Of course, I'm not expecting any miracles. I don't think I'm the kind of person who will spend all my spare time at the gym for fun, or get super ripped, or anything like that. (Wouldn't it be hysterical if that did happen, though? Like we all thought I was just a mild-mannered schlub but an ultrajock was secretly hiding inside me this whole time. Plot twist of the century.) I recognize that I'm still in the starry-eyed starter phase a little bit, so I do kind of have this image of myself going through a training montage and learning to love jogging and cardio and kale smoothies and all that stuff. But at least I have enough sense to know that's not how it works. I can't montage my way to health, no matter how much I want to. And I know from experience that if I try to push myself too far too fast, I'm just going to burn out, and my rest period is going to turn into me just giving up entirely.
Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, even. Maybe I shouldn't be making a big deal out of this. Like the title says, I want to be accountable about this. I want to shout my new resolution to the rooftops not because I'm that excited about this, but because I want to fear the embarrassment if I give up after telling so many people about it. Traditionally these shame-based tactics haven't worked on me, but I've already written this whole entry and I'm not erasing it. :P
Shoot, I feel like I had more to say but I have work in a little bit so I need to go get ready. One last item: I said earlier that I technically started my new get-your-shit-together program yesterday, and I did! I walked for forty-five minutes in the freezing cold so I could hatch my eggs in Pokemon Go. Admittedly I did that because I ate half a bag of honey barbecue chips for breakfast and I felt so ashamed I needed to balance it out, but still. Baby steps.
*I actually don't know what genres trigger this reaction in me; certain kinds of science fiction get me like this too. I think it's more about emotional attachment than specific plotlines. Do yall get this too?
I actually started yesterday, but I didn't have my shit together quiiite enough to, um, actually write about it. I just opened the tab for this entry and then got stuck in a loop making new icons. But that's okay! I still did the things!
(cw for weight talk, disordered eating habits maybe)
So, as I have mentioned previously, I am in kind of a rut. I have never been an especially health-conscious or physically active person, but the combination of working a sedentary job and living in an area where nothing is within walking distance means I pretty much don't get any kind of regular physical activity. I also eat a lot of junk food under the guise of "treating myself", because a) it's less expensive than buying clothes or books or random trinkets as treats, and b) when I'm depressed I tend to feel like I don't deserve food that tastes good, so I try to combat that mentality. And obviously, no exercise + poor diet = weight gain. And like... I have never been a slender person, but I'm at the point now where I don't feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I won't go into the particulars because that isn't productive, but suffice it to say I'm carrying weight in new places and it makes me feel shitty.
But a few days ago, I finished watching Banana Fish (which deserves its own entry because BOY HOWDY did that show hit me like a freight train, but I'll stay on topic for now), and aside from making me want to curl up in a ball with a bottle of wine and cry for six weeks, it also made me want to get in shape, because that's what always happens when I get emotionally attached to this kind of show*. Normally I make some kind of token effort to lift weights and then discard the whole thing when it gets even marginally inconvenient for me, but this time I really want to stick with it. I'm tired of eating garbage all the time. I'm tired of feeling slow and weak. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I want to do better. I want to feel better. I want to be better.
Of course, I'm not expecting any miracles. I don't think I'm the kind of person who will spend all my spare time at the gym for fun, or get super ripped, or anything like that. (Wouldn't it be hysterical if that did happen, though? Like we all thought I was just a mild-mannered schlub but an ultrajock was secretly hiding inside me this whole time. Plot twist of the century.) I recognize that I'm still in the starry-eyed starter phase a little bit, so I do kind of have this image of myself going through a training montage and learning to love jogging and cardio and kale smoothies and all that stuff. But at least I have enough sense to know that's not how it works. I can't montage my way to health, no matter how much I want to. And I know from experience that if I try to push myself too far too fast, I'm just going to burn out, and my rest period is going to turn into me just giving up entirely.
Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, even. Maybe I shouldn't be making a big deal out of this. Like the title says, I want to be accountable about this. I want to shout my new resolution to the rooftops not because I'm that excited about this, but because I want to fear the embarrassment if I give up after telling so many people about it. Traditionally these shame-based tactics haven't worked on me, but I've already written this whole entry and I'm not erasing it. :P
Shoot, I feel like I had more to say but I have work in a little bit so I need to go get ready. One last item: I said earlier that I technically started my new get-your-shit-together program yesterday, and I did! I walked for forty-five minutes in the freezing cold so I could hatch my eggs in Pokemon Go. Admittedly I did that because I ate half a bag of honey barbecue chips for breakfast and I felt so ashamed I needed to balance it out, but still. Baby steps.
*I actually don't know what genres trigger this reaction in me; certain kinds of science fiction get me like this too. I think it's more about emotional attachment than specific plotlines. Do yall get this too?
(flops down on the floor)
Feb. 11th, 2019 02:50 pmUghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I still can't shake this feeling of restlessness combined with disinterest. Chronic understimulation, I guess. It's frustrating because I'll still have periods of hyperfixation where I get really, really excited about something, and I'm even more of a slave to those times than usual right now because I'm worried that if I don't hop on that whim, it'll disappear and then I'll just be bored again. And then I can't fully enjoy whatever I'm doing because I'm worrying that I'll lose interest halfway through and feel that weird sad emptiness. You know, fun anxiety feelings. Hopefully I'm right about it being seasonal, though.
I don't know if it's just my perception, but it feels like I've been cycling through hyperfixations faster than usual. A few weeks ago it was cross stitch - I spent twelve straight hours stitching during one of my days off. But when I ran out of one of my thread colors just before finishing a project, it was like all of my interest drained out of me. I started knitting a shawl for my grandma a few days ago but I'm already flagging; that might be partially because the motions are aggravating my RSI from the summer though. IDK MAN I JUST WANT TO DO THINGS. OR I WANT TO WANT TO DO THEM. Having a job that provides zero (0) mental stimulation means I really need to find it outside of work or I'll go crazy. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just burning myself out on interest after interest when it's not even possible to find a hobby that makes up for the monotony of work.
Speaking of work, I mentioned this briefly in my last post but this month I have the opening shift every. single. day. As in, literally the only time off I have this entire month is the four days I asked off for Katsucon and every other day I wake up at 4AM (or 6AM, on the weekends). Yup, I get to work for two weeks straight, take four days off, and then work another two weeks. This is a fucking nightmare. I have no idea why I said I'd do this. I don't really mind opening that much if I'm only doing it occasionally; it's nice to get my shift out of the way and then have the rest of the day to myself. But christ almighty, this is running me into the ground. I've started to get grumpy when people say shit like TGIF! to me at work because no, motherfucker, weekends are MEANINGLESS to me, I literally do not have scheduled time off, fuck you. And then I realize this is a completely ridiculous response to a mindless pleasantry and that I need a nap. Which is really the cherry on top of the shit sundae because I also hate naps. They're disorienting and weird! But now I take one pretty much every day and it lasts anywhere from half an hour to three hours because my sleep schedule is dead and in hell.
Luckily, Katsucon is this weekend. I'm really excited for it this year. I mean, I'm always excited for Katsucon, I'm just a teeny bit more excited because a) it is my only time off this month and b) I've actually made a moderately elaborate prop this year: a plague mask! I'm gonna be a plague doctor combined with a cosplay medic, which probably has some fun combo name potential that I haven't figured out yet. Basically I'm gonna have a bag with emergency costume repair supplies like needles, thread, duct tape, bobby pins, etc. to help people out if their costumes are having issues on the floor. I've wanted to do a cosplay medic type costume for ages so I'm really excited for this one, especially because I have also long wanted to cosplay something with a mask so I don't have to worry about making the Correct Faces. (Cosplay is ultimate spectrum hell.) The mask is just about done, I'm putting the finishing touches on before Thursday but even now it still looks good enough to wear out. Ahhhhh I'm so excited ;~;
I still can't shake this feeling of restlessness combined with disinterest. Chronic understimulation, I guess. It's frustrating because I'll still have periods of hyperfixation where I get really, really excited about something, and I'm even more of a slave to those times than usual right now because I'm worried that if I don't hop on that whim, it'll disappear and then I'll just be bored again. And then I can't fully enjoy whatever I'm doing because I'm worrying that I'll lose interest halfway through and feel that weird sad emptiness. You know, fun anxiety feelings. Hopefully I'm right about it being seasonal, though.
I don't know if it's just my perception, but it feels like I've been cycling through hyperfixations faster than usual. A few weeks ago it was cross stitch - I spent twelve straight hours stitching during one of my days off. But when I ran out of one of my thread colors just before finishing a project, it was like all of my interest drained out of me. I started knitting a shawl for my grandma a few days ago but I'm already flagging; that might be partially because the motions are aggravating my RSI from the summer though. IDK MAN I JUST WANT TO DO THINGS. OR I WANT TO WANT TO DO THEM. Having a job that provides zero (0) mental stimulation means I really need to find it outside of work or I'll go crazy. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just burning myself out on interest after interest when it's not even possible to find a hobby that makes up for the monotony of work.
Speaking of work, I mentioned this briefly in my last post but this month I have the opening shift every. single. day. As in, literally the only time off I have this entire month is the four days I asked off for Katsucon and every other day I wake up at 4AM (or 6AM, on the weekends). Yup, I get to work for two weeks straight, take four days off, and then work another two weeks. This is a fucking nightmare. I have no idea why I said I'd do this. I don't really mind opening that much if I'm only doing it occasionally; it's nice to get my shift out of the way and then have the rest of the day to myself. But christ almighty, this is running me into the ground. I've started to get grumpy when people say shit like TGIF! to me at work because no, motherfucker, weekends are MEANINGLESS to me, I literally do not have scheduled time off, fuck you. And then I realize this is a completely ridiculous response to a mindless pleasantry and that I need a nap. Which is really the cherry on top of the shit sundae because I also hate naps. They're disorienting and weird! But now I take one pretty much every day and it lasts anywhere from half an hour to three hours because my sleep schedule is dead and in hell.
Luckily, Katsucon is this weekend. I'm really excited for it this year. I mean, I'm always excited for Katsucon, I'm just a teeny bit more excited because a) it is my only time off this month and b) I've actually made a moderately elaborate prop this year: a plague mask! I'm gonna be a plague doctor combined with a cosplay medic, which probably has some fun combo name potential that I haven't figured out yet. Basically I'm gonna have a bag with emergency costume repair supplies like needles, thread, duct tape, bobby pins, etc. to help people out if their costumes are having issues on the floor. I've wanted to do a cosplay medic type costume for ages so I'm really excited for this one, especially because I have also long wanted to cosplay something with a mask so I don't have to worry about making the Correct Faces. (Cosplay is ultimate spectrum hell.) The mask is just about done, I'm putting the finishing touches on before Thursday but even now it still looks good enough to wear out. Ahhhhh I'm so excited ;~;
Happy one-month-late 2019! *blows noisemaker* My main resolution may have been to communicate better with others and cut back on my hatereading (hey, I'm only human) but there's nothing that says I can't make a February resolution to also post more on this blog. Actually, I'll make it official: from here on out, I'll try to post at least once here every month!
... And it occurs to me that I've already broken this resolution by not posting in January. This is fine.
(Quick side note, one of my favorite parts of the communication style on Tumblr is the use of line breaks as emphasis or for dramatic effect. It feels like using a beat panel in a comic, it's very satisfying to me. But it feels ill-suited to Dreamwidth, so now I have to remember how to communicate the same concept like a normal person. Ellipses aren't the same, they serve a different purpose. UGH. >:( )
ANYWAY. Like I said above, I do want to try to post here more often. I have this recurring type of writer's block where instead of having an idea but not being sure how to write it out, I have the words themselves all written out in my head but I can't get them down on paper for some reason. Like, the process of selecting the words I want to use isn't even the issue, I just can't seem to physically write those words down anywhere. Does that make sense? I'm struggling to think of a good analogy. If you're familiar with the executive dysfunction sensation of knowing that you have to do a simple, familiar task, but somehow being unable to get yourself to do it, it's a lot like that. Come to think of it, it probably is an executive dysfunction thing. You'd think I would have already considered that at some point, huh?
The point is that I often find myself essentially writing posts in my head word-for-word in the same way that I might write, you know, an actual post. I even think to myself, "I ought to post this on DW/Twitter/Tumblr later." But I never do that! It's not quite distressing so much as it is... vexing, maybe. Gently vexing. If I was just mulling the ideas around in my head I wouldn't be fussed at all, but it seems silly that I have the entire damn entry written word-for-word in my brain and still don't post it anywhere.
I also haven't been writing or posting as much in general on social media, even in short form. Part of me is on low alert because that's a common characteristic of the initial low-grade stage of a depressive phase, but the rest of me is just shrug.jpg about it. I guess I just haven't felt as talkative lately. I've also been HORRIBLE about responding to messages on literally any platform and I feel bad about it, but not the anxious kind of bad where I'm beating myself up about how horrible I am, just a normal level of bad. It's a novel experience. And yeah, both the withdrawal and the lowered emotional response are warning signs as well, but... shrugs again. Compared to my more emotional depressive episodes, if this even is one, it's not that bad. Hellspring permanently changed my perspective on that, haha. I just can't get that bothered about it most of the time, which is also a symptom in and of itself, lol. I just feel... flatter. Greyer. Less present. Not sad, but not happy either. Like I'm an NPC. You know the visual trope where a character is going about their rigid daily routine and the color palette is muted greys and browns and their facial expression (not sad, not happy) doesn't change at all throughout the day, and it slowly speeds up to create a montage of Nothingness? It's kind of like that.
... This train of thought kind of took a different direction than I was expecting. Huh.
I'm rereading this, and I don't know how well this generalizes to my overall mental state. My meds got goofed up so I've been off Lexapro for a few days while still taking Concerta, I'm losing interest in the games I've been playing a lot recently which always makes me feel weird, and I've been doing regular 5AM shifts at work. Obviously I'm gonna feel a little discombobulated today.
[EDIT, 10 MINUTES LATER] Okay yeah today just has me feeling funky and a bit over-dramatic. Take your meds, sis.
Oh man, I was just typing out some other general life update stuff and I got hit with the sleepy stick hardcore. I keep trying to write out some conclusion shit for this paragraph at least but I am just so, so sleepy all of a sudden. It's not even 8pm yet let me liiiiive ; _ ; Welp, I guess that's all for this entry. Maybe someday I will write something that stays both coherent and on-track the whole way through, but probably not and anyway definitely not today. Goodnight all, hope you're well and not either freezing to death in terrifying Midwestern weather or boiling in terrifying Australian weather.
* I wonder when it became easier for me to talk to people IRL than online? That definitely wasn't the case when I was younger.
... And it occurs to me that I've already broken this resolution by not posting in January. This is fine.
(Quick side note, one of my favorite parts of the communication style on Tumblr is the use of line breaks as emphasis or for dramatic effect. It feels like using a beat panel in a comic, it's very satisfying to me. But it feels ill-suited to Dreamwidth, so now I have to remember how to communicate the same concept like a normal person. Ellipses aren't the same, they serve a different purpose. UGH. >:( )
ANYWAY. Like I said above, I do want to try to post here more often. I have this recurring type of writer's block where instead of having an idea but not being sure how to write it out, I have the words themselves all written out in my head but I can't get them down on paper for some reason. Like, the process of selecting the words I want to use isn't even the issue, I just can't seem to physically write those words down anywhere. Does that make sense? I'm struggling to think of a good analogy. If you're familiar with the executive dysfunction sensation of knowing that you have to do a simple, familiar task, but somehow being unable to get yourself to do it, it's a lot like that. Come to think of it, it probably is an executive dysfunction thing. You'd think I would have already considered that at some point, huh?
The point is that I often find myself essentially writing posts in my head word-for-word in the same way that I might write, you know, an actual post. I even think to myself, "I ought to post this on DW/Twitter/Tumblr later." But I never do that! It's not quite distressing so much as it is... vexing, maybe. Gently vexing. If I was just mulling the ideas around in my head I wouldn't be fussed at all, but it seems silly that I have the entire damn entry written word-for-word in my brain and still don't post it anywhere.
I also haven't been writing or posting as much in general on social media, even in short form. Part of me is on low alert because that's a common characteristic of the initial low-grade stage of a depressive phase, but the rest of me is just shrug.jpg about it. I guess I just haven't felt as talkative lately. I've also been HORRIBLE about responding to messages on literally any platform and I feel bad about it, but not the anxious kind of bad where I'm beating myself up about how horrible I am, just a normal level of bad. It's a novel experience. And yeah, both the withdrawal and the lowered emotional response are warning signs as well, but... shrugs again. Compared to my more emotional depressive episodes, if this even is one, it's not that bad. Hellspring permanently changed my perspective on that, haha. I just can't get that bothered about it most of the time, which is also a symptom in and of itself, lol. I just feel... flatter. Greyer. Less present. Not sad, but not happy either. Like I'm an NPC. You know the visual trope where a character is going about their rigid daily routine and the color palette is muted greys and browns and their facial expression (not sad, not happy) doesn't change at all throughout the day, and it slowly speeds up to create a montage of Nothingness? It's kind of like that.
... This train of thought kind of took a different direction than I was expecting. Huh.
I'm rereading this, and I don't know how well this generalizes to my overall mental state. My meds got goofed up so I've been off Lexapro for a few days while still taking Concerta, I'm losing interest in the games I've been playing a lot recently which always makes me feel weird, and I've been doing regular 5AM shifts at work. Obviously I'm gonna feel a little discombobulated today.
[EDIT, 10 MINUTES LATER] Okay yeah today just has me feeling funky and a bit over-dramatic. Take your meds, sis.
Oh man, I was just typing out some other general life update stuff and I got hit with the sleepy stick hardcore. I keep trying to write out some conclusion shit for this paragraph at least but I am just so, so sleepy all of a sudden. It's not even 8pm yet let me liiiiive ; _ ; Welp, I guess that's all for this entry. Maybe someday I will write something that stays both coherent and on-track the whole way through, but probably not and anyway definitely not today. Goodnight all, hope you're well and not either freezing to death in terrifying Midwestern weather or boiling in terrifying Australian weather.
* I wonder when it became easier for me to talk to people IRL than online? That definitely wasn't the case when I was younger.
Haha holy shit Tumblr
Dec. 6th, 2018 04:25 pmFor once I made my substantive commentary on Tumblr so I don't even know what to say here. Lmao. Obligatory "horny people have no rights" joke goes here.
I just - the more we learn about the situation, the more it sucks. I was weirdly semi-okay with it when I believed it was a clumsy, rushed decision on the heels of being removed from the app store. Like, okay, that's understandable if nothing else. That's something I'd expect from the staff. But they've apparently been working on this for over six months. What the whole fuck. How is it so badly implemented if it's been in the works for so long?! Fucking everything is getting flagged, blogs are out of order, and apparently people's drafts are being auto-posted if they get flagged and then unflagged, which is a whole other layer of flaming garbage.
Everyone's talking about how this is awful for artists and online sex workers who build client bases through Tumblr, and that's true, but it also sucks purely because Tumblr will be less horny. You don't need a morally elevated reason to be sad the porn is disappearing. I'm certainly not going to miss the exploitative IRL pornshit clogging tags, but the great art, the artsy nudes, I will miss that. I'll miss it on a political level and a moral level because I wholeheartedly believe that an open approach to sexuality is the best way to improve society's relationship with sex, but I'll also miss it because I like looking at pictures of naked people and there is literally nothing wrong with that. A considerable chunk of Tumblr fandom has gotten bizarrely anti-sex within the past few years and it really disturbs me, but that's a whole rant of its own.)
I have to start getting ready for work now (who doesn't love split shifts? :')) so I'll finish with a c/p of the post I made about this on Tumblr a few days ago. I've struck out the first two lines because I don't really feel that way anymore (I think it's pretty blanket shitty now) but I wanted to keep the context of the post intact.
joking aside, i think this is not a completely terrible measure to combat the pornbot problem, given that written erotica or nsfw text and “non-sexual nudity” as a broad category are still fine. the problem with pornbot spam and irl child exploitation was incredibly widespread, and i’m glad that they’re doing something about it. my concern is where the line will be drawn when it comes to art. the guidelines are very vague - is a full-frontal nude illustration acceptable if there’s no sexual activity depicted? what if it’s a photograph? what about 3d modeling? what if there is no sex act being depicted, but the image is clearly meant to be titillating? what if it’s ambiguously presented? what about an image (illustration or photo) of a fully-clothed person in a rope harness? is classical artwork depicting a sex act like leda and the swan okay because it has widely-accepted artistic merit?
I just - the more we learn about the situation, the more it sucks. I was weirdly semi-okay with it when I believed it was a clumsy, rushed decision on the heels of being removed from the app store. Like, okay, that's understandable if nothing else. That's something I'd expect from the staff. But they've apparently been working on this for over six months. What the whole fuck. How is it so badly implemented if it's been in the works for so long?! Fucking everything is getting flagged, blogs are out of order, and apparently people's drafts are being auto-posted if they get flagged and then unflagged, which is a whole other layer of flaming garbage.
Everyone's talking about how this is awful for artists and online sex workers who build client bases through Tumblr, and that's true, but it also sucks purely because Tumblr will be less horny. You don't need a morally elevated reason to be sad the porn is disappearing. I'm certainly not going to miss the exploitative IRL pornshit clogging tags, but the great art, the artsy nudes, I will miss that. I'll miss it on a political level and a moral level because I wholeheartedly believe that an open approach to sexuality is the best way to improve society's relationship with sex, but I'll also miss it because I like looking at pictures of naked people and there is literally nothing wrong with that. A considerable chunk of Tumblr fandom has gotten bizarrely anti-sex within the past few years and it really disturbs me, but that's a whole rant of its own.)
I have to start getting ready for work now (who doesn't love split shifts? :')) so I'll finish with a c/p of the post I made about this on Tumblr a few days ago. I've struck out the first two lines because I don't really feel that way anymore (I think it's pretty blanket shitty now) but I wanted to keep the context of the post intact.
Hello again, Dreamwidth! Today's post is brought to you by a semi-regular sponsor, "Taking Concerta Again After Weeks/Months And Experiencing A Sudden Productivity Boost Without A Set Task To Accomplish!" I was actually writing this post for Tumblr, but it was getting long enough that I decided it would be equally well-suited to this medium. Depending on how long this Jimmy Neutron-style brain blast lasts, I might also upload a bulleted review of She-Ra that was also getting a little unwieldy for my customary slapdash Tumblr typing style, but anyone reading this will already know that my promises of regular posting rarely pans out, so we'll see! Anyway, on to the meat of the post.
So, as mentioned, I am finally back on Concerta! This isn't actually the longest I've been off in recent memory - I was actually not taking it for most of the summer because of the same issue I'll discuss in a minute - but shhh, my parents don't know that. This time it was, I think two weeks? My e-mail says the insurance company sent their final notice on the 3rd of November, but I might have stopped before that when I was running low, so it's hard to say. I've been on Concerta for about six years, so I'm used to having problems with my prescription.
Here's a quick primer on Concerta, a.k.a. extended release methylphenidate, for the uninitiated: it's classified as a Schedule IIN Controlled Substance by the DEA, which means it has a high potential for abuse and may lead to severe physical/psychological dependency, but still has legitimate medical uses. This separates it from Schedule I drugs, which are also highly addictive but have no currently accepted medical use in the US, like heroin and LSD. (And cannabis, which is interesting given the Green Wave currently sweeping the nation. :P) Other schedule II/IIN (no idea what the difference is) drugs include methadone, morphine, and opium. Seriously? Adderall and Ritalin are as bad as opioids?! Then again, I'm writing this completely unnecessary tangential paragraph entirely due to the influence of methylphenidate, so what do I know? ;P
Since it's a Schedule IIN, and probably because of the public perception of ADHD medication as recreational "study drugs", ordering Concerta is both time-consuming, difficult, and expensive. Unfortunately, ever since I started seeing my current PCP last December, things have gotten even worse. This new office constantly fuck up different parts of my prescriptions. Wrong dosage, wrong pharmacy, wrong amount, you name it, and every time I have to talk to some poor clueless receptionist through it on the phone. And this is all punctuated by $75 visits to the office itself, because Schedule IIN drugs don't allow refillable prescriptions. It fucking suuucks. But in May, they fucked it up in a new, exciting way for the first time! I still have no idea what they or my insurance did wrong, but my three-month prescription was going to cost over $750 instead of ~$200-250 normally. Bruh that's more than my rent in my old apartment. That's almost as much as the rent for the entire apartment. What the whole fuck. My parents would have paid for it, but I have this whole complex about spending money for reasons that could take up another twelve entries, so I just. Didn't accept the order. And from late May through mid-September I was off Concerta for the first time in almost six years. For some reason it reverted to normal price again in September, but when I went back in late October (at which point I had also been in withdrawal due to a scheduling fuck-up on their part, very cool) they fucked it back up! My protest period was considerably shorter this time, because I actually have shit to do now - I'm maybe? Going back to school next semester? Don't ask me about it - so I actually had to pay that fucking ridiculous price this time. It's supposed to be here before Thanksgiving. I only have three pills left of my backup so it had fucking better.
Basically American insurance is hellfire garbage and I would probably get more help from PCP the drug than my current PCP. And I am going to stop this entry here because I removed four giant paragraphs of drug-fueled elaborations that were all completely unnecessary. I have no idea how coherent this is, I starting coming down from the initial energy boost like an hour ago and now I'm too tired to reread it. So, you know, business as usual.
So, as mentioned, I am finally back on Concerta! This isn't actually the longest I've been off in recent memory - I was actually not taking it for most of the summer because of the same issue I'll discuss in a minute - but shhh, my parents don't know that. This time it was, I think two weeks? My e-mail says the insurance company sent their final notice on the 3rd of November, but I might have stopped before that when I was running low, so it's hard to say. I've been on Concerta for about six years, so I'm used to having problems with my prescription.
Here's a quick primer on Concerta, a.k.a. extended release methylphenidate, for the uninitiated: it's classified as a Schedule IIN Controlled Substance by the DEA, which means it has a high potential for abuse and may lead to severe physical/psychological dependency, but still has legitimate medical uses. This separates it from Schedule I drugs, which are also highly addictive but have no currently accepted medical use in the US, like heroin and LSD. (And cannabis, which is interesting given the Green Wave currently sweeping the nation. :P) Other schedule II/IIN (no idea what the difference is) drugs include methadone, morphine, and opium. Seriously? Adderall and Ritalin are as bad as opioids?! Then again, I'm writing this completely unnecessary tangential paragraph entirely due to the influence of methylphenidate, so what do I know? ;P
Since it's a Schedule IIN, and probably because of the public perception of ADHD medication as recreational "study drugs", ordering Concerta is both time-consuming, difficult, and expensive. Unfortunately, ever since I started seeing my current PCP last December, things have gotten even worse. This new office constantly fuck up different parts of my prescriptions. Wrong dosage, wrong pharmacy, wrong amount, you name it, and every time I have to talk to some poor clueless receptionist through it on the phone. And this is all punctuated by $75 visits to the office itself, because Schedule IIN drugs don't allow refillable prescriptions. It fucking suuucks. But in May, they fucked it up in a new, exciting way for the first time! I still have no idea what they or my insurance did wrong, but my three-month prescription was going to cost over $750 instead of ~$200-250 normally. Bruh that's more than my rent in my old apartment. That's almost as much as the rent for the entire apartment. What the whole fuck. My parents would have paid for it, but I have this whole complex about spending money for reasons that could take up another twelve entries, so I just. Didn't accept the order. And from late May through mid-September I was off Concerta for the first time in almost six years. For some reason it reverted to normal price again in September, but when I went back in late October (at which point I had also been in withdrawal due to a scheduling fuck-up on their part, very cool) they fucked it back up! My protest period was considerably shorter this time, because I actually have shit to do now - I'm maybe? Going back to school next semester? Don't ask me about it - so I actually had to pay that fucking ridiculous price this time. It's supposed to be here before Thanksgiving. I only have three pills left of my backup so it had fucking better.
Basically American insurance is hellfire garbage and I would probably get more help from PCP the drug than my current PCP. And I am going to stop this entry here because I removed four giant paragraphs of drug-fueled elaborations that were all completely unnecessary. I have no idea how coherent this is, I starting coming down from the initial energy boost like an hour ago and now I'm too tired to reread it. So, you know, business as usual.
Small update
May. 5th, 2018 08:27 pmGummi went into hospice today. She woke up and was responsive the day after we visited, but then she declined again and the neurologist says she won't get better. We're going to visit her tomorrow. My brother finished his semester so he's back at home, and he's coming with us too. Not sure if Dad is coming or not. I'm not sure if Mom wants him to come.
Mom and Dad are having a going away party for their vacation right now, so I'm a little distracted, as you might imagine. Distracted from writing this entry, I mean. But I wanted to write something.
Mom and Dad are having a going away party for their vacation right now, so I'm a little distracted, as you might imagine. Distracted from writing this entry, I mean. But I wanted to write something.
My grandmother had a heart attack.
Discussion of family illness/death and alcoholism below the cut.
( Read more... )
Discussion of family illness/death and alcoholism below the cut.
( Read more... )
Life update (and by life I mean art)
Apr. 17th, 2018 06:05 pmGod I love art. I've learned that a good general barometer for my mental health is my interest in creating; if I'm feeling good, I'm working on some kind of project or dabbling in something new, and if I'm starting to swing downwards my interest in art is one of the first things to go. This month has been a little up and down, which April often is for me, but at least I've been working. I said this was going to be a life update but I lied, this is going to be a post about my latest projects.
I've tried to learn how to knit a few times in the past, since my mom is really good at knitting + crocheting, but I've never really gotten the hang of it. I've tried unsuccessfully to learn on a few different looms from Michael's, but for some reason a few weeks ago I finally got the hang of it! I've been working on a basic ewrap stitch scarf on a standard rectangular loom during work since then. I figured out how to do a stockinette stitch on Monday, which is a more classic ribbed stitch than ewrap, but I don't know if I like it as much. It's a really great activity when I'm working at the desk because it's something productive to do with my hands, and it doesn't look as off-putting to members as opposed to using my phone. I've gotten a lot of compliments on the scarf, too. ^^ When I'm working the childcare room I can't really do it, but then again I'm also a lot busier so it's not really a problem.
I finished the scarf late last week and I've been trying to decide what to do next. It might be a bit ambitious, but I really want to make an afghan. I love having a big pile of blankets on my couch and bed, and the idea of making my own is really fun. I actually splurged and bought an infinity loom earlier today, so if I can decide on the right yarn I might start it tomorrow! :3
I've also been dabbling in multi-media art, which has been dope as hell. I have a big notebook that I want to deck out, but right now I'm working on an accordion booklet so I can get the hang of the different techniques and aesthetics and stuff. The theme of the booklet is American immigration in the early 20th century, so it's pretty depressing. Listen, there are a lot of vintage travel items in the notions packets I've got, it seemed logical! :V
Aaand I'm back into doll repainting. This is a recurring thing for me every four months or so, but this time I feel like I'm actually getting the hang of it. I redid my first ever doll last week and while she's not perfect I'm really satisfied with her. I'm almost done rerooting the Clawdeen head I started idk how long ago, which is unfortunate because I'm really not sure how well this cheap hair will take to a boil wash. ._. Fingers crossed I don't just melt 6+ months of work I guess. I'm hoping to order some proper hair from one of the big restoration-focused sites soon, as long as Dad doesn't holler at me for spending money. (I spent $3 the other day and he sat me down to talk about finances. Seriously.)
Oh man I am FAMISHED. Any hope this entry had of turning into a real life update has just died, sorry guys. Gonna go eat my body weight in tortellini.
I've tried to learn how to knit a few times in the past, since my mom is really good at knitting + crocheting, but I've never really gotten the hang of it. I've tried unsuccessfully to learn on a few different looms from Michael's, but for some reason a few weeks ago I finally got the hang of it! I've been working on a basic ewrap stitch scarf on a standard rectangular loom during work since then. I figured out how to do a stockinette stitch on Monday, which is a more classic ribbed stitch than ewrap, but I don't know if I like it as much. It's a really great activity when I'm working at the desk because it's something productive to do with my hands, and it doesn't look as off-putting to members as opposed to using my phone. I've gotten a lot of compliments on the scarf, too. ^^ When I'm working the childcare room I can't really do it, but then again I'm also a lot busier so it's not really a problem.
I finished the scarf late last week and I've been trying to decide what to do next. It might be a bit ambitious, but I really want to make an afghan. I love having a big pile of blankets on my couch and bed, and the idea of making my own is really fun. I actually splurged and bought an infinity loom earlier today, so if I can decide on the right yarn I might start it tomorrow! :3
I've also been dabbling in multi-media art, which has been dope as hell. I have a big notebook that I want to deck out, but right now I'm working on an accordion booklet so I can get the hang of the different techniques and aesthetics and stuff. The theme of the booklet is American immigration in the early 20th century, so it's pretty depressing. Listen, there are a lot of vintage travel items in the notions packets I've got, it seemed logical! :V
Aaand I'm back into doll repainting. This is a recurring thing for me every four months or so, but this time I feel like I'm actually getting the hang of it. I redid my first ever doll last week and while she's not perfect I'm really satisfied with her. I'm almost done rerooting the Clawdeen head I started idk how long ago, which is unfortunate because I'm really not sure how well this cheap hair will take to a boil wash. ._. Fingers crossed I don't just melt 6+ months of work I guess. I'm hoping to order some proper hair from one of the big restoration-focused sites soon, as long as Dad doesn't holler at me for spending money. (I spent $3 the other day and he sat me down to talk about finances. Seriously.)
Oh man I am FAMISHED. Any hope this entry had of turning into a real life update has just died, sorry guys. Gonna go eat my body weight in tortellini.
