lovemankind | Emotional accountability

Something I've been trying to work on lately is personal accountability. Specifically, not distancing myself from my own actions.

Here's the example that gave me the idea for this post: I was writing a quick post on tumblr about how I'm futzing around online instead of working on my costume for Katsucon. My impulse was to write that I had done a very minor part of the project, and then my brain had decided that I had earned a break. But it wasn't "my brain" as a separate entity from whatever part of myself I consider to be "me". It was me! Even if I don't understand my internal reasoning, I'm the one who decided that cutting out the template was sufficient cause to stop working and hop on my computer. This is obviously a minor example. You could even make the argument that it's a comedy technique, framing myself in opposition to my brain for the purpose of a joke post. And, for the most part, I agree. But it's not really about the language as much as it's about what that language use says about how I perceive myself.

I don't want to see my brain as an outside force I have to fight with anymore. It me. The things I like about my personality are in there, and so are my flaws. So is my mental illness. Even if the image of anxiety as a nasty little demon that sits on my shoulder and spews worst-case scenarios into my ear is a helpful rhetorical example, I don't know if it's the best way for me to process my anxiety anymore. I'm trying to think of my idiosyncrasies and flaws and symptoms as factors that influence my behavior, rather than invisible puppet-masters that make me do things. I think that for a while, that was a more helpful way for me to think about my mental health, because I was having so many intense struggles that were directly caused by my mental health, and it was scaring the shit out of me because even though I knew rationally that I was sinking deeper down, I felt like I was powerless against The Bad Brain to do anything. Plus, I was fucking up so badly, and people were so mad at me, that it was easier to separate the part of me that I felt they were really mad at from the part of me that cared about what they were saying. That way, maybe I could figure out how to utterly excise that part of myself someday and become instantly better and normal without having to do any of that lifelong self-improvement bullshit or whatever. Well, turns out it doesn't work like that. I think I was letting that mindset become a way to avoid holding myself emotionally accountable for the dumb shit I was doing.

Now that I've written this all out, it seems pretty silly. I think I might have gotten lost in the flow a little bit, so there is a very real possibility that some chunks in that middle paragraph don't totally make sense. But hey, it made me feel better to write it out, so I'm happy with that for now.

And happy new year! I'm not making any monthly entry promises, because life is getting crazy again, but I'll try to write more often!