(flops down on the floor)
Feb. 11th, 2019 02:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lovemankindUghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I still can't shake this feeling of restlessness combined with disinterest. Chronic understimulation, I guess. It's frustrating because I'll still have periods of hyperfixation where I get really, really excited about something, and I'm even more of a slave to those times than usual right now because I'm worried that if I don't hop on that whim, it'll disappear and then I'll just be bored again. And then I can't fully enjoy whatever I'm doing because I'm worrying that I'll lose interest halfway through and feel that weird sad emptiness. You know, fun anxiety feelings. Hopefully I'm right about it being seasonal, though.
I don't know if it's just my perception, but it feels like I've been cycling through hyperfixations faster than usual. A few weeks ago it was cross stitch - I spent twelve straight hours stitching during one of my days off. But when I ran out of one of my thread colors just before finishing a project, it was like all of my interest drained out of me. I started knitting a shawl for my grandma a few days ago but I'm already flagging; that might be partially because the motions are aggravating my RSI from the summer though. IDK MAN I JUST WANT TO DO THINGS. OR I WANT TO WANT TO DO THEM. Having a job that provides zero (0) mental stimulation means I really need to find it outside of work or I'll go crazy. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just burning myself out on interest after interest when it's not even possible to find a hobby that makes up for the monotony of work.
Speaking of work, I mentioned this briefly in my last post but this month I have the opening shift every. single. day. As in, literally the only time off I have this entire month is the four days I asked off for Katsucon and every other day I wake up at 4AM (or 6AM, on the weekends). Yup, I get to work for two weeks straight, take four days off, and then work another two weeks. This is a fucking nightmare. I have no idea why I said I'd do this. I don't really mind opening that much if I'm only doing it occasionally; it's nice to get my shift out of the way and then have the rest of the day to myself. But christ almighty, this is running me into the ground. I've started to get grumpy when people say shit like TGIF! to me at work because no, motherfucker, weekends are MEANINGLESS to me, I literally do not have scheduled time off, fuck you. And then I realize this is a completely ridiculous response to a mindless pleasantry and that I need a nap. Which is really the cherry on top of the shit sundae because I also hate naps. They're disorienting and weird! But now I take one pretty much every day and it lasts anywhere from half an hour to three hours because my sleep schedule is dead and in hell.
Luckily, Katsucon is this weekend. I'm really excited for it this year. I mean, I'm always excited for Katsucon, I'm just a teeny bit more excited because a) it is my only time off this month and b) I've actually made a moderately elaborate prop this year: a plague mask! I'm gonna be a plague doctor combined with a cosplay medic, which probably has some fun combo name potential that I haven't figured out yet. Basically I'm gonna have a bag with emergency costume repair supplies like needles, thread, duct tape, bobby pins, etc. to help people out if their costumes are having issues on the floor. I've wanted to do a cosplay medic type costume for ages so I'm really excited for this one, especially because I have also long wanted to cosplay something with a mask so I don't have to worry about making the Correct Faces. (Cosplay is ultimate spectrum hell.) The mask is just about done, I'm putting the finishing touches on before Thursday but even now it still looks good enough to wear out. Ahhhhh I'm so excited ;~;
I still can't shake this feeling of restlessness combined with disinterest. Chronic understimulation, I guess. It's frustrating because I'll still have periods of hyperfixation where I get really, really excited about something, and I'm even more of a slave to those times than usual right now because I'm worried that if I don't hop on that whim, it'll disappear and then I'll just be bored again. And then I can't fully enjoy whatever I'm doing because I'm worrying that I'll lose interest halfway through and feel that weird sad emptiness. You know, fun anxiety feelings. Hopefully I'm right about it being seasonal, though.
I don't know if it's just my perception, but it feels like I've been cycling through hyperfixations faster than usual. A few weeks ago it was cross stitch - I spent twelve straight hours stitching during one of my days off. But when I ran out of one of my thread colors just before finishing a project, it was like all of my interest drained out of me. I started knitting a shawl for my grandma a few days ago but I'm already flagging; that might be partially because the motions are aggravating my RSI from the summer though. IDK MAN I JUST WANT TO DO THINGS. OR I WANT TO WANT TO DO THEM. Having a job that provides zero (0) mental stimulation means I really need to find it outside of work or I'll go crazy. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just burning myself out on interest after interest when it's not even possible to find a hobby that makes up for the monotony of work.
Speaking of work, I mentioned this briefly in my last post but this month I have the opening shift every. single. day. As in, literally the only time off I have this entire month is the four days I asked off for Katsucon and every other day I wake up at 4AM (or 6AM, on the weekends). Yup, I get to work for two weeks straight, take four days off, and then work another two weeks. This is a fucking nightmare. I have no idea why I said I'd do this. I don't really mind opening that much if I'm only doing it occasionally; it's nice to get my shift out of the way and then have the rest of the day to myself. But christ almighty, this is running me into the ground. I've started to get grumpy when people say shit like TGIF! to me at work because no, motherfucker, weekends are MEANINGLESS to me, I literally do not have scheduled time off, fuck you. And then I realize this is a completely ridiculous response to a mindless pleasantry and that I need a nap. Which is really the cherry on top of the shit sundae because I also hate naps. They're disorienting and weird! But now I take one pretty much every day and it lasts anywhere from half an hour to three hours because my sleep schedule is dead and in hell.
Luckily, Katsucon is this weekend. I'm really excited for it this year. I mean, I'm always excited for Katsucon, I'm just a teeny bit more excited because a) it is my only time off this month and b) I've actually made a moderately elaborate prop this year: a plague mask! I'm gonna be a plague doctor combined with a cosplay medic, which probably has some fun combo name potential that I haven't figured out yet. Basically I'm gonna have a bag with emergency costume repair supplies like needles, thread, duct tape, bobby pins, etc. to help people out if their costumes are having issues on the floor. I've wanted to do a cosplay medic type costume for ages so I'm really excited for this one, especially because I have also long wanted to cosplay something with a mask so I don't have to worry about making the Correct Faces. (Cosplay is ultimate spectrum hell.) The mask is just about done, I'm putting the finishing touches on before Thursday but even now it still looks good enough to wear out. Ahhhhh I'm so excited ;~;
(no subject)
Date: 2019-02-12 07:09 pm (UTC)But also holy shit that work schedule, would it be possible to get someone to switch shifts with you just to get a break from opening hell, or would that not even matter because it's the "two straight weeks of work" x2 combo that's the real kicker? Either way... Yiiiiikes I'm so sorry.
The listlessness stuff is super relateable though, I hope it's just seasonal but I know my work also drains me. It's kind of TOO mentally stimulating rather than not stimulating enough but it's not like... Intellectually challenging, is the thing? It's just emotionally taxing so it wipes me mentally without meaningfully engaging my brain which is Also Super Garbage. But it means my struggle is managing to care about hobbies outside of work that are gentle enough for my tired brain, vs the alternative of like. Staring at a wall for several hours.
Brains is dumb but ilu a lot. ♥