Overgrown Weird Kids
Aug. 23rd, 2019 06:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lovemankindI take a fair bit of pride, and deservedly so I think, in the efforts I've made towards being able to communicate better with others. Having a developmental disability that went undiagnosed until the end of high school was really fun and sexy for a lot of reasons, but particularly in this regard. Not only did my brain work differently from other people, as near as I could figure, but many of the differences were so fundamental, so structural, that I couldn't even figure out how to explain the differences at all. So a lot of my childhood was defined by miscommunications. Not major miscommunications, but so many of my memories from elementary school include some level of confusion - about what I was supposed to be doing, about what somebody else was doing, about what other people were saying or thinking or feeling. Luckily, I was also a Weird Kid in a non-pathological sense, so a lot of the time I was able to just brush it off, because what did I care as long as I could think about dinosaurs or something. (Not that I'm really able to detangle my sense of what was Weird Kid and what was Developmentally Disabled Kid, but that is a whole other discussion.)
Anyway. This spiraled in exactly the way I expected it to, so for now I'll cut out the long form explanation of how I finally managed to hack my weirdbrain into submission. (That sounds negative, but it has been a sincerely positive experience, and I've come out of it with a better understanding of others as well as myself. Hooray for self-discovery!) The point is that I have largely done so. I definitely still struggle at times, and in a way my neurotypical cosplay makes it even more embarassing and distressing when my cover slips, but again, that's for another post, and I am very happy with the strides I have made and continue to make.
That being said, one of my persistent issues - and it might even be a result of my improvements in other sectors, which is funny - is figuring out the lines between Pathological and Normal. I think this is a very common issue with other non-neurotypicals, but especially anyone else who finds themselves having to explain their thought processes to friends or family on a regular basis. You find yourself about to explain a feeling or an experience, but wait, surprise minigame: Is This Actually Weird? Is this a result of my mental illness, or not? If so: is it actually a Very Intense Concept that will make other people upset to hear about, even if I consider it fairly banal?* Is it Too Weird or offputting in a way that will make this person uncomfortable or think less of me? Have I found a good way to explain this thing yet? If not: will I look overly self-absorbed for thinking this is a unique experience? Will this person feel patronized? Regardless: how much of a Weirdo will this make me seem like?
You get the idea.
I have to go now, Mom still needs help setting up her scanner. She got another box of her mom's photo albums (my dead grandmother), which might be the topic of my next post. Sorry I didn't really have time to edit this post, it's a little more rambly than I'd usually leave in. Until next time!
* This also applies to trauma, as I learned after trying to tell a story of how I had recently been molested on a bus to some high school friends as a light, funny story. Oops!
Anyway. This spiraled in exactly the way I expected it to, so for now I'll cut out the long form explanation of how I finally managed to hack my weirdbrain into submission. (That sounds negative, but it has been a sincerely positive experience, and I've come out of it with a better understanding of others as well as myself. Hooray for self-discovery!) The point is that I have largely done so. I definitely still struggle at times, and in a way my neurotypical cosplay makes it even more embarassing and distressing when my cover slips, but again, that's for another post, and I am very happy with the strides I have made and continue to make.
That being said, one of my persistent issues - and it might even be a result of my improvements in other sectors, which is funny - is figuring out the lines between Pathological and Normal. I think this is a very common issue with other non-neurotypicals, but especially anyone else who finds themselves having to explain their thought processes to friends or family on a regular basis. You find yourself about to explain a feeling or an experience, but wait, surprise minigame: Is This Actually Weird? Is this a result of my mental illness, or not? If so: is it actually a Very Intense Concept that will make other people upset to hear about, even if I consider it fairly banal?* Is it Too Weird or offputting in a way that will make this person uncomfortable or think less of me? Have I found a good way to explain this thing yet? If not: will I look overly self-absorbed for thinking this is a unique experience? Will this person feel patronized? Regardless: how much of a Weirdo will this make me seem like?
You get the idea.
I have to go now, Mom still needs help setting up her scanner. She got another box of her mom's photo albums (my dead grandmother), which might be the topic of my next post. Sorry I didn't really have time to edit this post, it's a little more rambly than I'd usually leave in. Until next time!
* This also applies to trauma, as I learned after trying to tell a story of how I had recently been molested on a bus to some high school friends as a light, funny story. Oops!
