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Accountability!
Mar. 4th, 2019 12:33 pmHello Dreamwidth! I'm doing it! No more putting it off! This is the month I finally start getting my shit together!
I actually started yesterday, but I didn't have my shit together quiiite enough to, um, actually write about it. I just opened the tab for this entry and then got stuck in a loop making new icons. But that's okay! I still did the things!
(cw for weight talk, disordered eating habits maybe)
So, as I have mentioned previously, I am in kind of a rut. I have never been an especially health-conscious or physically active person, but the combination of working a sedentary job and living in an area where nothing is within walking distance means I pretty much don't get any kind of regular physical activity. I also eat a lot of junk food under the guise of "treating myself", because a) it's less expensive than buying clothes or books or random trinkets as treats, and b) when I'm depressed I tend to feel like I don't deserve food that tastes good, so I try to combat that mentality. And obviously, no exercise + poor diet = weight gain. And like... I have never been a slender person, but I'm at the point now where I don't feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I won't go into the particulars because that isn't productive, but suffice it to say I'm carrying weight in new places and it makes me feel shitty.
But a few days ago, I finished watching Banana Fish (which deserves its own entry because BOY HOWDY did that show hit me like a freight train, but I'll stay on topic for now), and aside from making me want to curl up in a ball with a bottle of wine and cry for six weeks, it also made me want to get in shape, because that's what always happens when I get emotionally attached to this kind of show*. Normally I make some kind of token effort to lift weights and then discard the whole thing when it gets even marginally inconvenient for me, but this time I really want to stick with it. I'm tired of eating garbage all the time. I'm tired of feeling slow and weak. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I want to do better. I want to feel better. I want to be better.
Of course, I'm not expecting any miracles. I don't think I'm the kind of person who will spend all my spare time at the gym for fun, or get super ripped, or anything like that. (Wouldn't it be hysterical if that did happen, though? Like we all thought I was just a mild-mannered schlub but an ultrajock was secretly hiding inside me this whole time. Plot twist of the century.) I recognize that I'm still in the starry-eyed starter phase a little bit, so I do kind of have this image of myself going through a training montage and learning to love jogging and cardio and kale smoothies and all that stuff. But at least I have enough sense to know that's not how it works. I can't montage my way to health, no matter how much I want to. And I know from experience that if I try to push myself too far too fast, I'm just going to burn out, and my rest period is going to turn into me just giving up entirely.
Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, even. Maybe I shouldn't be making a big deal out of this. Like the title says, I want to be accountable about this. I want to shout my new resolution to the rooftops not because I'm that excited about this, but because I want to fear the embarrassment if I give up after telling so many people about it. Traditionally these shame-based tactics haven't worked on me, but I've already written this whole entry and I'm not erasing it. :P
Shoot, I feel like I had more to say but I have work in a little bit so I need to go get ready. One last item: I said earlier that I technically started my new get-your-shit-together program yesterday, and I did! I walked for forty-five minutes in the freezing cold so I could hatch my eggs in Pokemon Go. Admittedly I did that because I ate half a bag of honey barbecue chips for breakfast and I felt so ashamed I needed to balance it out, but still. Baby steps.
*I actually don't know what genres trigger this reaction in me; certain kinds of science fiction get me like this too. I think it's more about emotional attachment than specific plotlines. Do yall get this too?
I actually started yesterday, but I didn't have my shit together quiiite enough to, um, actually write about it. I just opened the tab for this entry and then got stuck in a loop making new icons. But that's okay! I still did the things!
(cw for weight talk, disordered eating habits maybe)
So, as I have mentioned previously, I am in kind of a rut. I have never been an especially health-conscious or physically active person, but the combination of working a sedentary job and living in an area where nothing is within walking distance means I pretty much don't get any kind of regular physical activity. I also eat a lot of junk food under the guise of "treating myself", because a) it's less expensive than buying clothes or books or random trinkets as treats, and b) when I'm depressed I tend to feel like I don't deserve food that tastes good, so I try to combat that mentality. And obviously, no exercise + poor diet = weight gain. And like... I have never been a slender person, but I'm at the point now where I don't feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I won't go into the particulars because that isn't productive, but suffice it to say I'm carrying weight in new places and it makes me feel shitty.
But a few days ago, I finished watching Banana Fish (which deserves its own entry because BOY HOWDY did that show hit me like a freight train, but I'll stay on topic for now), and aside from making me want to curl up in a ball with a bottle of wine and cry for six weeks, it also made me want to get in shape, because that's what always happens when I get emotionally attached to this kind of show*. Normally I make some kind of token effort to lift weights and then discard the whole thing when it gets even marginally inconvenient for me, but this time I really want to stick with it. I'm tired of eating garbage all the time. I'm tired of feeling slow and weak. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I want to do better. I want to feel better. I want to be better.
Of course, I'm not expecting any miracles. I don't think I'm the kind of person who will spend all my spare time at the gym for fun, or get super ripped, or anything like that. (Wouldn't it be hysterical if that did happen, though? Like we all thought I was just a mild-mannered schlub but an ultrajock was secretly hiding inside me this whole time. Plot twist of the century.) I recognize that I'm still in the starry-eyed starter phase a little bit, so I do kind of have this image of myself going through a training montage and learning to love jogging and cardio and kale smoothies and all that stuff. But at least I have enough sense to know that's not how it works. I can't montage my way to health, no matter how much I want to. And I know from experience that if I try to push myself too far too fast, I'm just going to burn out, and my rest period is going to turn into me just giving up entirely.
Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, even. Maybe I shouldn't be making a big deal out of this. Like the title says, I want to be accountable about this. I want to shout my new resolution to the rooftops not because I'm that excited about this, but because I want to fear the embarrassment if I give up after telling so many people about it. Traditionally these shame-based tactics haven't worked on me, but I've already written this whole entry and I'm not erasing it. :P
Shoot, I feel like I had more to say but I have work in a little bit so I need to go get ready. One last item: I said earlier that I technically started my new get-your-shit-together program yesterday, and I did! I walked for forty-five minutes in the freezing cold so I could hatch my eggs in Pokemon Go. Admittedly I did that because I ate half a bag of honey barbecue chips for breakfast and I felt so ashamed I needed to balance it out, but still. Baby steps.
*I actually don't know what genres trigger this reaction in me; certain kinds of science fiction get me like this too. I think it's more about emotional attachment than specific plotlines. Do yall get this too?
