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Happy one-month-late 2019! *blows noisemaker* My main resolution may have been to communicate better with others and cut back on my hatereading (hey, I'm only human) but there's nothing that says I can't make a February resolution to also post more on this blog. Actually, I'll make it official: from here on out, I'll try to post at least once here every month!
... And it occurs to me that I've already broken this resolution by not posting in January. This is fine.
(Quick side note, one of my favorite parts of the communication style on Tumblr is the use of line breaks as emphasis or for dramatic effect. It feels like using a beat panel in a comic, it's very satisfying to me. But it feels ill-suited to Dreamwidth, so now I have to remember how to communicate the same concept like a normal person. Ellipses aren't the same, they serve a different purpose. UGH. >:( )
ANYWAY. Like I said above, I do want to try to post here more often. I have this recurring type of writer's block where instead of having an idea but not being sure how to write it out, I have the words themselves all written out in my head but I can't get them down on paper for some reason. Like, the process of selecting the words I want to use isn't even the issue, I just can't seem to physically write those words down anywhere. Does that make sense? I'm struggling to think of a good analogy. If you're familiar with the executive dysfunction sensation of knowing that you have to do a simple, familiar task, but somehow being unable to get yourself to do it, it's a lot like that. Come to think of it, it probably is an executive dysfunction thing. You'd think I would have already considered that at some point, huh?
The point is that I often find myself essentially writing posts in my head word-for-word in the same way that I might write, you know, an actual post. I even think to myself, "I ought to post this on DW/Twitter/Tumblr later." But I never do that! It's not quite distressing so much as it is... vexing, maybe. Gently vexing. If I was just mulling the ideas around in my head I wouldn't be fussed at all, but it seems silly that I have the entire damn entry written word-for-word in my brain and still don't post it anywhere.
I also haven't been writing or posting as much in general on social media, even in short form. Part of me is on low alert because that's a common characteristic of the initial low-grade stage of a depressive phase, but the rest of me is just shrug.jpg about it. I guess I just haven't felt as talkative lately. I've also been HORRIBLE about responding to messages on literally any platform and I feel bad about it, but not the anxious kind of bad where I'm beating myself up about how horrible I am, just a normal level of bad. It's a novel experience. And yeah, both the withdrawal and the lowered emotional response are warning signs as well, but... shrugs again. Compared to my more emotional depressive episodes, if this even is one, it's not that bad. Hellspring permanently changed my perspective on that, haha. I just can't get that bothered about it most of the time, which is also a symptom in and of itself, lol. I just feel... flatter. Greyer. Less present. Not sad, but not happy either. Like I'm an NPC. You know the visual trope where a character is going about their rigid daily routine and the color palette is muted greys and browns and their facial expression (not sad, not happy) doesn't change at all throughout the day, and it slowly speeds up to create a montage of Nothingness? It's kind of like that.
... This train of thought kind of took a different direction than I was expecting. Huh.
I'm rereading this, and I don't know how well this generalizes to my overall mental state. My meds got goofed up so I've been off Lexapro for a few days while still taking Concerta, I'm losing interest in the games I've been playing a lot recently which always makes me feel weird, and I've been doing regular 5AM shifts at work. Obviously I'm gonna feel a little discombobulated today.
[EDIT, 10 MINUTES LATER] Okay yeah today just has me feeling funky and a bit over-dramatic. Take your meds, sis.
Oh man, I was just typing out some other general life update stuff and I got hit with the sleepy stick hardcore. I keep trying to write out some conclusion shit for this paragraph at least but I am just so, so sleepy all of a sudden. It's not even 8pm yet let me liiiiive ; _ ; Welp, I guess that's all for this entry. Maybe someday I will write something that stays both coherent and on-track the whole way through, but probably not and anyway definitely not today. Goodnight all, hope you're well and not either freezing to death in terrifying Midwestern weather or boiling in terrifying Australian weather.
* I wonder when it became easier for me to talk to people IRL than online? That definitely wasn't the case when I was younger.
... And it occurs to me that I've already broken this resolution by not posting in January. This is fine.
(Quick side note, one of my favorite parts of the communication style on Tumblr is the use of line breaks as emphasis or for dramatic effect. It feels like using a beat panel in a comic, it's very satisfying to me. But it feels ill-suited to Dreamwidth, so now I have to remember how to communicate the same concept like a normal person. Ellipses aren't the same, they serve a different purpose. UGH. >:( )
ANYWAY. Like I said above, I do want to try to post here more often. I have this recurring type of writer's block where instead of having an idea but not being sure how to write it out, I have the words themselves all written out in my head but I can't get them down on paper for some reason. Like, the process of selecting the words I want to use isn't even the issue, I just can't seem to physically write those words down anywhere. Does that make sense? I'm struggling to think of a good analogy. If you're familiar with the executive dysfunction sensation of knowing that you have to do a simple, familiar task, but somehow being unable to get yourself to do it, it's a lot like that. Come to think of it, it probably is an executive dysfunction thing. You'd think I would have already considered that at some point, huh?
The point is that I often find myself essentially writing posts in my head word-for-word in the same way that I might write, you know, an actual post. I even think to myself, "I ought to post this on DW/Twitter/Tumblr later." But I never do that! It's not quite distressing so much as it is... vexing, maybe. Gently vexing. If I was just mulling the ideas around in my head I wouldn't be fussed at all, but it seems silly that I have the entire damn entry written word-for-word in my brain and still don't post it anywhere.
I also haven't been writing or posting as much in general on social media, even in short form. Part of me is on low alert because that's a common characteristic of the initial low-grade stage of a depressive phase, but the rest of me is just shrug.jpg about it. I guess I just haven't felt as talkative lately. I've also been HORRIBLE about responding to messages on literally any platform and I feel bad about it, but not the anxious kind of bad where I'm beating myself up about how horrible I am, just a normal level of bad. It's a novel experience. And yeah, both the withdrawal and the lowered emotional response are warning signs as well, but... shrugs again. Compared to my more emotional depressive episodes, if this even is one, it's not that bad. Hellspring permanently changed my perspective on that, haha. I just can't get that bothered about it most of the time, which is also a symptom in and of itself, lol. I just feel... flatter. Greyer. Less present. Not sad, but not happy either. Like I'm an NPC. You know the visual trope where a character is going about their rigid daily routine and the color palette is muted greys and browns and their facial expression (not sad, not happy) doesn't change at all throughout the day, and it slowly speeds up to create a montage of Nothingness? It's kind of like that.
... This train of thought kind of took a different direction than I was expecting. Huh.
I'm rereading this, and I don't know how well this generalizes to my overall mental state. My meds got goofed up so I've been off Lexapro for a few days while still taking Concerta, I'm losing interest in the games I've been playing a lot recently which always makes me feel weird, and I've been doing regular 5AM shifts at work. Obviously I'm gonna feel a little discombobulated today.
[EDIT, 10 MINUTES LATER] Okay yeah today just has me feeling funky and a bit over-dramatic. Take your meds, sis.
Oh man, I was just typing out some other general life update stuff and I got hit with the sleepy stick hardcore. I keep trying to write out some conclusion shit for this paragraph at least but I am just so, so sleepy all of a sudden. It's not even 8pm yet let me liiiiive ; _ ; Welp, I guess that's all for this entry. Maybe someday I will write something that stays both coherent and on-track the whole way through, but probably not and anyway definitely not today. Goodnight all, hope you're well and not either freezing to death in terrifying Midwestern weather or boiling in terrifying Australian weather.
* I wonder when it became easier for me to talk to people IRL than online? That definitely wasn't the case when I was younger.
